Friday, March 20, 2009

Pointless in the Khumbu

The rented ice tools I have in my hand are completely pointless.

According to Dr. Abraham Maslow, we all struggle with various needs, one of them being the need for "self actualization." A painter must paint. A climber must climb.

So on this trip to the Mt. Everest Region, my lack of purpose is much akin to the pointless ice tools.

I began enough in earnest. This trek to Everest base camp and to climb Gokyo Ri was to benefit colon cancer and make everyone more "aware." I aimed to accomplish this by wearing my "rectum?!!! damn near killed 'em!" t-shirt, but the other members of the expedition did not share my enthusiasm and would not wear their t-shirts on the trail. As a group, we suffered this lack of purpose silently, only broaching the subject every few minutes as one of us would say "what are we doing with our lives?"

"We're spreading colon cancer awareness" I would reply.

As leader of the expedition, I have realized like Jack Handey once pointed out that "there's only one thing more important than the success of the mission itself and that is the respect of the men, so if you're not sure what the purpose of the mission is, you may not want to tell the men, because you might lose their respect." So when we came to Namche, and it was too cold to wear my "rectum! damn near killed em!" t-shirt, the purpose of the mission changed from spreading awareness of colon cancer to searching for the Yeti.

We started in a Sherpa village monastery where they reputedly have a Yeti skull locked up in a vault. We journeyed there, through many exhausting hours in the snow to bribe a monk into opening the vault. There it stood, the Yeti skull, proof positive that bones from other animals can creatively glued together to provide tourist income from which monks can derive some material security.

Later that night I was certain I smelled the Yeti, but it turned out to be Abe.

Our quest fort the Yeti not yielding anything more conclusive than a mono-browed German woman (human, it turned out) I decided to declare that it was time for ice climbing. Now I sit in Namche with a file and my crampons, sharpening, sharpening, making my life into something not so pointless.

4 comments:

jackm said...

Climbing for colon cancer? That's two disgusting things, right there.
What next? Climbing for whirled peas? Are you offering colonoscopies to people you meet on the trail?

Matt Henzi said...

Rectum?!? Damn near killed 'em! FUNNIEST SHIT EVER. Dude, I was crying laughing. Oh when, oh when will my humor ever mature.....
You making this shit up? Dude, you seriously need to write about 20 essays and get them out. YOU WILL BE PUBLISHED by somebody.

B said...

touche, sir. I enjoyed reading Maslow's stuff about self-actualization. It made me realize that even though I'll likely never be a parent, be in monogamous love, or any other normative transcendent experience I can self-actualize in my own way. The mastery required to safely live the lifestyle we have chosen leaves no mental power for anything but our immediate activity at times which bonds us to the 'one energy' and makes us feel very small. It has made me weep at the horrific beauty of a disintegrating mountain face, it has made me kiss a partner on the summit plateau, and, most importantly, shoots my heart out 360 degrees to touch everyone in the world. I might love the mountain, but it doesn't give a shit about me. I'm just not the important one, I am only my own monocle.

Happy and Authentic said...

Post a picture of that shirt! And the "Yeti skull" of course! :) The people of the interwebs demand proof of such hilarious claims.